dear God ,


you last forever and i last only for a little while. You look over vast numbers of lives that have come and gone .





i look over my little life. i enjoy you immensely. i feel your hugeness and your vast power and your MIND that is beyond comprehension. I thank you for helping me talk with my fingers. this is nice to flow out to you with the "eye gates ' closed. no sound and the words and expressions in me being recorded so that perhaps someone somewhere can 'look in ' on my life with you. my conversation with you.





You know my hurt. You nkow that i am ready to find myself ruined for etertity. You know that i have tasted the peace and sweetness of yeshua-love and His help and presence. AND THEN i have gone back to thosese ways and practices and those words and those choices that are of THE WAY OF DEATH.



You saw my soul be gripped with horror and sadness when i truly and TOTALLY saw my life from your perspective. All the 'pleasure games' no longer 'nice' and 'friendly' but a filthy horror and a self destructive way that is just ruinous.



You are the one who took away my 'fantasy-mind' and washed away all the images and scenes and stories that once gripped me. Those scenes that i escaped into.



You saw me transfixed with shock at my awareness of having made a vow to be with the woman named Christine until one of us died. A vow BEFORE YOU. You who are a real PERSON. just invisible with powers that are vast and HUGE beyond my imagining. I made a vow before YOU, to be with her body as long as our two bodies last.

You have seen me be INEFFECTIVE at retaining this 'concern' and this focus. You have seen me lose my attention/focus/fear of your 'POTENTIAL DISPLEASURE' at my behavior.

and You have seen my inability to create a 'family and friends' environment where we are all of 'ONE MIND AND ONE ACCORD-AGREEMENT' about what is right/wrong wise/foolish 'way ofLIFE' /way of DEATH.

You have seen my failures and my weak moves and my GOOD INTENTIONS.

we tend to judge others by their ACTIONS and we tend to judge ourselves by our INTENTIONS.

SO i reverse that and say i AM ...........DESTROYED, because of my actions.
and OTHERS deserve mercy because they have been ignorant of your REAL PRESENCE.
..THEY just intended to 'do right' but have found that failure has arisen due to their actions.